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Step Parents Generally Find That It Is Difficult When It Comes To Sharing Authority
Step parenting often brings its own particular problems as the new step parent is caught in the middle between the biological parent and the children. Precisely how much of a problem you will encounter depends upon a large variety of factors, not the least of which will be the degree of co-operation you get from the biological parent and the ages of the children.
The best parenting advice and the key to successful step parenting is to be found first in clearly establishing your role with the biological parent because you are certainly going to have an uphill struggle if the two of you are not completely in agreement from the outset. As with any changes in a relationship however you also have to appreciate that adjustments will take time and you need to adopt a 'step by step' approach. An attempt to hurry things, or to force the situation, will definitely result in frustration and possibly confrontation. The biological parent might well feel threatened by the requirement to share parenting responsibilities and will have to have time to adjust and to develop confidence and trust in you as a parent to her or his children.
Next, you will clearly need to establish your role with the children, unless they are very young, will usually resent being guided by an 'outsider'. You will have to take things very slowly and understand that the children are going to need time to get used to the situation before they accept you in the role of a parent. Once more, you will have to have the assistance of the biological parent in building your relationship with the children.
Any successful move into step parenting must begin with a clear and frank conversation with the biological parent, during which both parties have to communicated honestly and freely about how they see their own role, as well as the role of the other party, and you both have to reach a clear agreement on just how you need to share the responsibilities of parenting. This conversation should also set clear boundaries but need to be flexible enough to allow for adjustment, especially in the critical first few weeks and months following the establishment of this new relationship.
This first discussion will naturally not be the end of the matter and a number of such discussions will need to take place before any truly meaningful and lasting shift in parenting responsibilities can happen.
Having reached agreement the next step is to get the children on board and this must initially be led by the biological parent. At a suitable time everyone should sit down together and the biological parent has got to begin a discussion in which the plan which you have agreed can be revealed to the children and discussed with them.
It is important to emphasize here that this needs to be a true discussion and not simply a case of the parents 'laying down the law' to the children. It is extremely important that the children have a say in to the conversation and that their thoughts and views on what has been agreed are heard. Just like adults, children must be allowed to have a sense of control over their own lives and have to feel comfortable with the situation in which they now find themselves. This does not mean that the children should be given control over the situation, which has to remain firmly in the parents' hands as they are the the final decision makers, but, every effort should be made to ensure that they understand the situation and are as happy with it as is they can be.
The mere fact that the children can see that their parents have clearly considered the position carefully, and are in agreement about it, will go a long way towards preventing the children from playing the parents off against each other and their inclusion in the process will also assist considerably in getting them on board.
Arriving on the scene as a new step parent can be difficult for not only the step parent but also for the biological parent and the children and everybody must work together carefully and take their time to create an environment in which everyone is able to live happily together. Handled with care step parenting is not as difficult as you may think.
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